All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
