I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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