I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
