yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
