Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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