Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.