I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
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I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
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I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.