I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
