he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
