We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
