That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
