Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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