Why is your signature on my underwear?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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