we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
