you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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