i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I want her autograph on my taint
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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