If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
