I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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