I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
