I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
