I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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