Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
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A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
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That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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