Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
