if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
