my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
