i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
