worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
