There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
