You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
