time to smoke my breakfast
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
