I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
