When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
