I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
