On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
