Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
