Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
