I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
