guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
