dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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