im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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