Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
