Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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