Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.