I'm eating all of the evidence.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic