how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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