hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
