do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
