i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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