She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
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