I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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