Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
