just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
