So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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