HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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