Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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