my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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