You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
