Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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